Boring Beyond Belief

I’m sitting here, listening to the sound of K clattering and banging around in the kitchen, as she is my sous chef today. The food smells delicious, but we won’t be eating for another 2 or 3 hours more. Husband took the boys to the park, so they would run off some energy, and so K and I can cook in relative peace.

I’ve been sick to my stomach the last couple of days. Before this, I was feeling pretty darn good, probably better than I’ve felt in a long time. I think I’m allergic to wheat and dairy, and maybe eggs too, but it’s all speculation on my part. I’ve been doing a lot of research on the subject of gluten intolerance, and while I’ve tested negative as being a Celiac, I wholly believe gluten is not good for a majority of the population. I cut it and milk for awhile, out of my diet. What a difference in my health! Then I reintroduced dairy back into my diet a week or so ago, and wouldn’t you know it, I’m sick again. No more dairy for me.

I have to get back to cooking, but I had an urge to check in here. I should do it more often, and maybe clean up the place.

I’m disgusted by the SPAM in my comments here. Any ideas on how to remove it or keep it from happening in the first place?

The kids and I are all sick with a mild flu. Luckily, today is a no-preschool day as the kids had Saturday school this past weekend, so we had the day off from driving. I do need to mail some packages, but that might have to wait until tomorrow, since I feel like doo-doo. I’ve had my share of go-arounds with the post office lately, and will probably have to fight them about the date on the labels. Instead, I may go to a neighboring city and dump them inconspicuously in there while they aren’t paying attn. That seems to work.

My kids are watching far too much TV lately and especially today.

Kayla just asked me to go to a movie with her tonight. She’s crazy, but we knew that already.

My mother wrote me an email asking if I would take an online class with her, that she’d pay for. I’m totally into it. I love taking classes that interest me. We’ve both taken web page design before, but she found one with a Marketing twist, so I suppose in November, we’ll be taking that together. She’s been a LOT better lately (knock on wood), and I’m crossing my fingers that it’s not just a phase.

I haven’t written here for so long because I was trying to decide if I wanted to continue with this journal. I have a lot going on, after all, but I also don’t know how to turn off the spam in my comments. My husband won’t, or can’t, help me get rid of them, and I don’t have the time to peruse the ‘net searching for the answers.

The kids are a huge handful and I have a lot on my plate. Those are two phrases I dreaded hearing when the twins were small, but they work in my situation now. Kylli is running, climbing, and is insistent on doing everything. He wants to go outside, and he wants to play in the bathroom sink. He especially loves emptying the kitchen cabinets and drawers of all of the (disarrayed) contents. He loves sitting at the big table in his Stokke chair, instead of in his highchair. He doesn’t want to be a baby very often. It’s both sad and helpful that he isn’t my wee baby anymore. The kids take up a lot of my time, and they are so difficult to manage, I find myself missing appointments, and flaking on my plans. I can only hope this gets easier the older they get. I also don’t want to miss their childhoods, and in many ways I feel I am, at the very least because time is flying.

The economy has turned our family into scrimpers and savers. We were already living on the edge because of family circumstances and the area we live in has such high cost of living, but the way things turned, we don’t have enough money to spread out over all of the basic bills, forget food and gas. Somehow we’re making it work, but barely and every day is a struggle right now. We are not starving and hopefully never will be. We have a roof over our heads and my husband has a job. Life could be much worse, and living within our means is always a good idea. Except when the area you live in expects more, then it’s stupid to stay, but I don’t think we’re in any position to move, and my husband’s work is so specialized. It would be impossible to find work somewhere else right now.

Times are tough for us, but we do enjoy each other and we find things to do that don’t cost money. I’m sewing the boys’ costumes for halloween this year, and so far, they are coming out great. I don’t have any idea what I’m doing and have no pattern. I’m finding it’s something I enjoy doing, even though I’m not well practiced at it yet. Kayla has been working at her first job. She is a Cast member at the 6 week long Halloween festival, located in the local amusement park. She’s having a great time, and she can finally pay us back some of the money she owes us. R is.. well, just R. He never changes. The 2 boys are in a co-op preschool, and I have to work several hours per month there, plus other things, and the kids just love their school.

I’ve started a personal no driving campaign. We’re stuck at home (unless we walk or take the bus) every day except for Tuesdays, when I pick up my CSA and go grocery shopping. We have a local store, a pharmacy, a UPS store for mail… I think they take regular USPS mail. I should check the next time I’m there… only blocks from the house, so it’s not that big of a deal. Today we played out in the backyard in the baby pool, since it was 95*. I also cleaned the laundry room from top to bottom, scrubbing walls, machines, and floor. And I folded several loads of laundry, surface cleaned the master bedroom, and took down the co-sleeper. *pout* My baby is growing up. Here he is:

The boys were well behaved, whatever that means. I guess it means they didn’t get too wild and they didn’t do any destructive damage to anyone or anything. Grey did slam the door on my finger yesterday, cutting through the skin under the nail. I should probably get it looked at. Except I’m almost too tired to care.

.. to login here for awhile.

WTH has happened?

I’m too overwhelmed atm to deal with much. Including writing in a blog no one seems to read. It seems like a waste of time, except I suppose I could print it.

The kids are all ok. The baby is 10 months old, and he’s huge! He was like a stick before, and somehow undernourished, because he started eating and chunked right up. He weighs 17 lbs now, which is gigantic, for our family.

I’m too tired to post much, but I wanted to get that sniveling crap I wrote before off the front page.

I called the old friend I mentioned in the last post. It was awkward, as usual. I think I’m pretty inept socially, and I get very nervous talking to people. I never know what angle they are coming from, and I don’t know why I think that way. Yes, I do, but I’ll save that for another post.

My friend answered and I asked if she’d received my email, and she said no, but she would check on it. I asked her if she’d like to do lunch, instead. She asked, instead of what? That’s a good question, except our last conversation had to do with going to a show or going to a club. It’s weird talking to her, because she doesn’t really remember things, or is immediately angst sounding. She put me off a little, so I said I don’t know, but would you like to go to lunch? She asked, with Julie (name changed)? Julie is a friend of hers and mine too, by proxy, whom I haven’t seen in years but is supposedly “excited” to see me. I said, sure, if she wants to come along. My friend told me that she didn’t know, that she hasn’t talked to Julie and doesn’t know anything. My friend said I have to understand, that Julie has 5 kids and a husband.

Yeah.

I mentioned I do too, and the conversation ended with her asking if she could call me back later.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy situation to me. I like to make plans for my days, so I’m not left wondering what I’m doing that day. Sometimes it’s nice to have a day free, but not to see if other people can talk to other people, because they seem to think they have more importance over me, and my schedule and life. No thanks. It might have been fun to see them and it might’ve been a horrible experience and waste of my life energy. This old friend is pretty weird now, and probably was then, but I grew up in such a strange household, weird was my normal. Not to say that I’m not a bit off, you know. :p Oh well, the truth is I enjoy things I doubt she’d like, though I’m not sure about Julie. I take pleasure in museums, observatories, wine tasting, country drives, good restaurants, flying kites at the beach, swinging, walking long distances (when the gimpy leg will allow), great conversations, and wry humor. Among other such sundry things. I don’t think my old friend would be into any of that, but I wouldn’t know

Baby is crying. Have to go.

I’m back for a second. I want to add that of course it would only right to talk to Julie first, to make plans. I wasn’t trying to sound as if she should decide for the both of them. My point was, it’s almost the weekend and someone has to start somewhere with times and such. I was only trying to make the preliminaries so that I could decide what I might be doing this weekend. My other point was, she seemed irritated by the suggestion and I felt like an extra in someone else’s play.

A lot has happened since my last post. My 4 yr old started preschool, and my 2 yr old will be joining him starting in the summer time. Of course, this week is spring break and who would have known my 4 yr old would miss school this much. He absolutely loves it. It’s a cooperative preschool, and the parents all work there on scheduled days. My husband will be doing the co-op work, while I do the driving back and forth to get the kid there 3x per week.

Kayla went on her first date, and the boy has not called her since. I hope she didn’t act too weird and nervous, but if she did, it’s ok. It’s a learning experience for her. She asked me if you could get pregnant while on your period, which just about freaked me out. She said she read that you can’t in several places and when I told her yes, you very well can get pregnant, especially with me as a mama, she didn’t look worried. I asked her if I should be worried and she cried an emphatic, “NO!” She’s a good girl, but I worry a little that she may do some not-so-smart things because of hormonal urges and/or pressure from a guy.

I started an elimination diet yesterday. All I’m eating is chicken, rice, yam, pears, olive oil, and as many green veggies as I can handle. My stomach didn’t hurt yesterday, but it had a fit this morning. I’m supposed to be eating 35 grams of fiber per day, but I can’t do that eating this way. Hmmmn…

I’m supposed to be meeting an old friend this weekend, but I’ve not really heard from her. I did write her an email a couple of days ago, when I was being all moody, saying that maybe I shouldn’t come because I’d just be a drag. I’m not into club scenes or drinking or smoking cigs. Apparently she still is, and she wondered how that would work out. I was too, which is why I wrote her all moody-like, because I feel like some old lady and I don’t go bar-hopping, which is ridiculous. I shouldn’t feel like dead weight because I want to take care of myself. My friend, whom I’ve not seen in years, did not attempt to make me feel like a wet blanket, just to clarify. She was quite nice about it. Maybe I should call her and ask her to lunch instead, even if it’s more boring than a night out at the clubs for her.

The boys need me to go play with them, so I have to run. Oh, and it’s getting hot here already! I hate summer over here.

Today was nothing, but errands. Ok, that’s not true, we did stop to feed the ducks and play in the park for a little while.

This morning I had to stand in line at the Social Security office to apply for a card. My baby was born at home, and he was not “numerated” in the hospital, therefore we get to wait longer to get his card. I wanted to file taxes before the end of the month. I guess we’ll wait and see.

Owen started preschool last week, and I’ve been waiting for those kid germs to kick in. I swear I’m feeling sick, but it could be allergies mixed with the time change drag. Sometimes I can’t tell allergies and a cold or the flu apart!

Thursday, I have to have a camera put down into my stomach from my throat. It’s called an upper endoscopy, and I asked for no drugs to put me out. I’m taking the relaxant though. I’m going to charge my ipod and close my eyes. If my nose is stuffy, then I don’t see how I can do it, so I hope don’t get sick.

We’ve spent the weekend cleaning, running errands, and trying to figure out some storage options. We don’t have much on the walls, and not much in the way of shelving or bookcases. The kids are starting to need some places to put books, paints, and materials. Part of this process is paring down what we don’t really want or need. It’s incredibly difficult for my husband and me, since I’ve been pretty much laid up for the last year and a half, at least. Not to mention in the last 3 moves we made, all but one I was pregnant and didn’t declutter as well as I should have. Plus my inlaws helped us move nearly every time. They liked to take everything with us when we moved, except the kitchen sink, thank goodness. I’m not the most organized person when it comes to other people’s stuff ™.

It’s beautiful here. The weather is just perfect, not too hot or cold. I bought some seeds for the kids to start. Owen planted an impromptu sunflower forest in the strawberry planter on our front porch. They are sprouting up quite well, and he’s proud of them, watering them whenever he sees they are dry. We’ll have to transplant them soon, before they die. I decided I want us to start our plants this year, from seeds, instead of seedlings.

I’ve finally decided what I want to do with this journal. I want to make it a record for my children, and I’d like to write down my memories of our family and my life story. It seems rather straightfoward, but I didn’t think to do that, until now. We are huge Genealogy freaks, on my maternal side, and I have stories. We’ve often talked about how someone should get all of the oral stories (and many written ones) down in one place before they are forgotten.

Also, it occurred to me that I have trouble talking about my life. My own daughter informed me a couple of years ago that she knew nothing of my childhood, which came as a shock to me. I thought I was quite the blabbermouth. I’m more of a bossy, know-it-all who likes to chatter, but I don’t talk much about the deeper stuff. I think it would be a good idea to start doing that. I don’t know how I’ll do it without family finding out and making a big stink out of my (of course) biased opinions and memories, but I’ll give it a go.

When I was about 4 or 5, I remember I was in my mom’s landlords’ kitchen eating sugar coated strawberries. The older couple used to babysit me for my mother on occasion. Well, through the window-paned door, we could see my mother’s boyfriend, Stan, coming up the walkway. The landlords became agitated, scurrying around, and I just knew I was in trouble. You see, my mother didn’t allow me to eat sugar, and the landlords were letting me sneak it. I don’t remember if Stan saw or what happened after, but my mother found out about that indiscretion.

I am in a crib and covered with balloons. Looking up, the balloons get big and small, big and small. I start to panic…

I remember this because for years, as I was trying to fall asleep, sometimes this memory would come to me. I would jolt awake, feeling sickened by the memory of the balloons getting bigger and smaller, bigger and smaller.

The inlaws left late last night, and they are on their way north, leisurely headed back to Canada by vehicle. They were actually really good this visit, respected boundaries, and didn’t make my life miserable with their constant chattering. This would make the 3rd time in a row they have been somewhat decent. Do I dare say they might be “getting it?” My brother-in-law arrives tomorrow from his holiday in the city, and he’s staying with us till early next week.

My husband didn’t say Happy Valentine’s Day to me yesterday. First, because he didn’t even think to say it. Second, he said he was “too busy” at work to say it, though he talked to me a couple of times on the phone during the day. He really doesn’t appear to understand why that would be important to me.

I woke up with a cold today, but I’m not telling anyone because between the gall bladder, leg breaks, pregnancies, stomach aches, and allergies, I’m beginning to sound like a hypochondriac (sp). Plus, it gets old to hear someone say they don’t feel well all the time, and a cold is no big deal in the scheme of things. Oh, speaking of feeling sick, my lab work came back today as all normal. Except my alkaline phosphatase level was elevated. The doctor says she wants to recheck me in 3-6 months to make sure it was lab error, which is… I don’t know. How does that help me now? Everyone says to go to a doctor when you feel sick, but it seems they never have the answer. I’ve been having better luck talking to mamas on the ‘net and doing my own research into herbals, etc…

I’m thinking about doing an elimination diet. My mother-in-law did one and she looks incredible. Her skin glows like a person in their 20’s and she looks thin. She’s also full of energy. This woman is almost 60, but she has more energy and health than me. Oh, and she’s been able to stop taking her blood pressure medications! She’s always been health conscious, but I’ve never seen her look so darn good. I guess I like her a little bit.

I don’t much care for my father-in-law, because he’s mean in some ways, and he argues. I think he doesn’t like me much because I have opinions and don’t just agree with whatever he says to do. Excuse me, I never had a father, and I’ve always been on my own. I don’t know why he can’t understand that…

Dear Husband,

When we first met, I told you I was not interested in any relationship or in marriage. You managed to tear down those walls with your charm, fairly quick. However, before getting married, you and I sat down and discussed what we’d need from the other person to be happy in matrimony. You didn’t have much to say, because you never have much to say until it’s almost too late. You wanted to make sure I’d be ok with you playing video games and you’d get a kid out of it.

I am older, with far greater experience in relationships, and I had a bigger list of must-haves and deal-breakers. You’ve kept your promise about being a dad and contributing at least 50% to the children. I would say you exceeded those terms. There were so many other things you have not followed through on, though. Like, when I was kidding around about being fat after pregnancies, you said you would take me on a walk every day to help me lose weight. That hasn’t happened. I know it hurts for me to take long walks because of my still healing leg, so I asked if you would help me fix up my bike, and you said you would but you haven’t. Those are some small examples of how I feel…

I’m trying not to nit-pick, because in many ways you are a very fine husband. You cook, clean, take care of babies, you don’t stink horribly bad, and I never have to see you pick your nose or scratch your ass crack. At least you do the chores when you aren’t so tired. Husband, you keep telling me you are too tired to do anything. I tell you I’m tired too, but things still need to get accomplished. Also, I would like to be high up on your priority list and this does not mean keeping a roof over my head. This means helping me be the best me I can be. You know, sort of like how I helped you and I was your cheering section? I think I’m tiring of this being one-way, and have been for a long while.

The baby is crying, so I have to close this for now. I know I’m not a perfect wife. Hah! Far from it, but I feel sad about our lack of connection, and a bit trapped right now. I can only communicate this so many times.

Love,
Your Wife

They are here. They arrived late last night, and dug into the stew I had warming on the stove. They left for their motel soon after. Today they arrived at 11am, because I’d asked them to come at that time. They took the boys to the park, along with uncle who came into SF today. Uncle left later to holiday in SF for a few days and will be back on Saturday, it seems. The inlaws are very good with the kids, but it’s almost 9pm and they are still here. They are on their computer playing around, using our wireless. I don’t mind that, but not right now. It’s time to go back to their motel… I can’t be free here with them around. I asked DH to see that it happened while I snuck away upstairs, but I doubt he did it. He never has, even though it’s been a major cause of contention around here, and it’s difficult on the entire family, the routine, everything, when they are here. It’s fine if the boundaries we set are respected, but when they aren’t, I feel done.

I’ve been tired and moody today. I’m feeling like no one loves me and I should go eat some worms.

I can’t believe it’s Monday again, so soon. I like Mondays, or used to, if my husband is able to stay home. Otherwise, why bother? I might as well call this clusterfuck day. The inlaws are coming tonight. Be brave, missy.

Nothing like digging through your own caca in order to supply lab samples. Yummy. OK, the truth is, I’m the biggest baby ever when it comes to this stuff. I was gagging! I have to do this for 3 days, and the 3rd day I have to do a lot of samples, so a lot of spooning it out! My mom says she’s had to do this several times in her lfe, and I’m just thankful this is a first for me. Gross.

My inlaws are coming to town this week. They were supposed to come on Valentines Day, but they called and told my husband they were running behind and would be here on Monday instead. I think they have the wrong idea about time. They are early, not late. At least they won’t be here long, but then I have my brother-in-law tag-teaming them and he’ll be here Thursday through Monday.

I’m hoping the doctor will have my lab work back next week, and will know what’s causing the stomach issues. The first thing she suspected was a hernia, but since I was tested and retested a couple of years ago, I’m hoping it’s not that! No surgery for me, please? Well, I’d rather that, than the big C. If the lab work doesn’t show anything, I’m not sure what the next step will be for me. I’ll be listening to what the doctor has to say, but I will not blindly do whatever she says without a lot of thought and research, should it come to that.

“I can tell you are tired of me being sick,” I said, “and now it’s like second nature, because I’ve been sick so much.”

“No,” he said.

“Why is it then, when I tell you I’m feeling sick today, you say, “Oh,” and walk away?”

“What am I supposed to say? I can’t help you. I try to take the kids away and give you space.”

“Yes, and that’s great, but sometimes I don’t need space.”

“I don’t know what you want from me, there’s nothing I can do to help you. I give you space… and it’s been too long! I mean, what am I supposed to do?”

My husband is home today, being Saturday and all. I’m actually writing this entry while sitting in bed waiting for my morning tea to be delivered. I feel nice and cozy, but unfortunately my stomach hurts. I’ve been unable to keep food in me for several months now, though it’s been much worse the last week. I finally resolved myself to see a doctor, and so they are running lab work on me. Hopefully, they will find out what’s going on and soon. I’m beyond tired of feeling ill. It’s pretty bad when you tell your husband you’re sick and could he stay home from taking the 4 yr old to karate today? And he tells me sorry and takes the kid anyway, because he’s used to me being sick now.

I also am quitting this school program I’m enrolled in right now. I was very wrong to choose the school I chose, and I’m both disappointed and relieved. I think it’ll be better to focus my energy elsewhere (such as my health, hello).

Kyllian is my little buddy. He hangs out with me all day, mostly in arms, and he’s so sweet. He loves to smile at me and wink his big eyes. We take a walk to our local park almost every day, and everywhere we go, people stop us and tell me what a beautiful family I have. It’s very flattering, yet at the same time I would like to blend in and not be noticed. It’s also difficult when I’m just trying to get home (to be sick, usually ) and people want to stop me to talk. It’s kind of rare for California too.

I really feel awful when women ooh and ahh over Kyllian, and then they tell me the sad story of how they want a (or another) baby, but can’t because of some reason or other. Sometimes infertility and sometimes they say they can’t birth a baby without coming close to death (try avoiding hospitals, and most of the time that’ll take care of your problem. see: medical snowball affect). I have a hard time with that last problem some women proclaim to have, since I know it’s probably untrue. I’ve always really felt for women who have trouble getting pregnant. It seems so unfair, especially when it appears those women would make such good mamas compared to most of the mothers out there.

That last journal entry was one of my lamest ever, and I think I have a lot of lame to choose from here.

I had some questions regarding my natural living lifestyle, I guess you could call it. I don’t really know where to start listing what I consider natural living because I’m so far removed from mainstream now. I forget that not everyone cloth diapers for example, and I am for some reason, always a little surprised when I see a paper diaper poking out from the back of a child’s pants. I’m especially surprised, living here in the Bay Area, since we’re supposed to be progressive and all.

The kids are calling.

Natural isn’t always better, I just wanted to add that in here… as I run… out the do.o.r.